What to Expect from Today's Pentagon Press Conference?

What to Expect from Today's Pentagon Press Conference? 

What to Expect from Today's Pentagon Press Conference -You're watching C-SPAN. Hey, Netflix. We're for sale too. Now we're off to the Pentagon for a press conference with the Secretary of Defense.

- Ladies and gentlemen of the press... as you know, there's concern about the ongoing military operation off the coast of Venezuela. Here are all your questions answered calmly by the Secretary of War. Okay, shut the hell up! Shut up! Cut the music. What?! First things first. Where's the fat? You! Out! -W-what? I'm not even fat!

-Oh, really? You think you're hiding it under that blazer, Porky?! Who do you write for? "Chicago Trombone"? Because that's what they play when your fat ass moves around!

Now listen! As you've probably read in some gay newspaper, we're now at war with Venezuela! You're all idiots, "Wait! But was there an official declaration of war?

"Yes, here it is. Super finger! Dan Cook! Now, do you have questions for me?! Okay. Pretend I'm a random fishing boat and get away from the fire!-

Okay, is there any truth to the allegations that after the initial attack on a drug smuggling boat, you ordered a second strike to kill the survivors?

Okay? After the first strike, I was so upset, I had to make an emergency call to my sponsor. Sorry. A guy I met at an anonymous meeting. So I don't drink anything

that I like, and I want, but I don't have, but I want it, and I need it. And I need it now. ♪ Ba, ba, ba-ba-da ♪ It's alcohol! Next question.

-Yes. What do you say to Senator Mark Kelly, who said you play like a 12-year-old army? [sarcastic] First of all, Kelly? That's a girl's name.

What's her first name? Clothes? [Wheezing] -No. It's Mark. Like I said. -Oh, get a husband! -I'm trying! -Okay, to answer your question,

If I were just "playing army," would there be 80 fishermen-narco-terrorists killed in Venezuela right now? Next question! -Yes. So is 80 the official death toll? -

"Oh-- wow-- is 80 the official--" No! That's six, seven, six, seven. Stupid! Come on, if I had a drink for every Venezuelan we killed, I'd really like that number of drinks. Next. Oh, my God. Is that Matt Getz?!-

♪ That's right, ♪ it's me, Matt Getz. I'm a reporter now. Hehe! Question. You're only killing people who are smuggling drugs, right?

So, hypothetically, if someone was smuggling something else, that would be fine?-W-We're only targeting drug traffickers. No more questions, Your Honor.-Oh, I have a question.

-Oh, Jesus. Yes. Will and Grace go. My name is actually William Grace. Oh, how do you respond to the accusations that the so-called "war on smugglers" is a smokescreen for regime change? -

Oh! The woo-woo of solving mysteries, Scoob! Of course, that's what we're doing! And it always works! Just like what happened in Guatemala, Nicaragua, Cuba, Brazil...

♪ Bolivia, Panama, Haiti, El Salvador ♪♪ , Chile, Honduras, Peru, here we go! I'm actually worried I'm going to catch you idiots. -Oh, Secretary Hegseth, some people are accusing you of war crimes.

Even the president is distancing himself from you. -Oh, wow. That's interesting. I actually have a question for you. Have you ever kissed a girl?

Like I'm really asking. - I have a wife. -Oh well, when she really wants to feel something, send her my way. Anyway, to answer your question,

President Trump has my back 100 percent. You want to know why? 'Cause unlike you, beta kicks, he's a high-energy alpha who trusts and listens to me no matter what.

Isn't this right, oh President, stop? Stop Mamdani. Oh. You can freeze my rent anytime. I wasn't sleeping. I'm wide awake. Someone tell me now, hurry up.

Where am I? Who am I? And what year could this be? -Ha ha! Well, Mr. President. Everything you do is strange, a joke. I was telling everyone here

that I have your full support. Absolutely. We love Pete. He's a great guy. It was just the fog of war, right? The fog of war.

That's something you only say after you've committed a war crime. Right? You've never heard the common saying, "Everything went according to plan in the fog of war."

"It's like when you go to the sauna on the equinox, and suddenly you're doing something you've never done before. Fog of war. Fog of war. We love it.

It's a fresh new excuse. We love it. So I'm standing by the belly. And nothing can change my mind. As long as it can harm me in any way.

In that case, I'll throw him under the free buses of Mamdani. Last question. - Yes, Mr. President. More Americans, including your own voters, are now blaming you for the crisis of tolerance.

What's your message to them?! He's sleeping. We need to get him another MRI before he wakes up. And live from New York... - It's "Saturday Night"!